Update

I've been meaning to update for a while now, but I can't generally find the will to. Most of the time it just seems silly and it doesn't really do anything for me. It used to be very therapeutic, but that was quite some time ago, so I don't generally feel the need to.

The year has been going quite well, as I knew it would. As far as classes go, its an off semester. Seems like my fall semesters always leave something to be desired. I don't particularly like any of my classes, and the start has been a little rough, but it's all coming together a little bit and I'll be good.

My internship is excellent. I'm doing real and important legal work on actual cases. No getting coffee or anything like that. The work I do has a real effect on people's lives and livelihoods and in some cases whether or not someone goes to jail. I'm doing legal research, meeting and calling clients, assisting in court and other hearings and important meetings, and a lot more, all kinds of legal work. I enjoy it quite a bit and so far it as confirmed my desire to be an attorney, and that I can in fact enjoy it and succeed at it. I enjoy the atmosphere of importance and pressure. I've always felt like I thrive in those types of situations. I understand the head attorney's thought process, juggling many cases and issues and making progress on them all in the midst of meetings, court and calls. I think I can do well. Between this internship and even the bank job during the summer I think I've really made myself more employable. I certainly can do the work of a legal assistant. If nothing else I should be able to get another internship in the future, though I would enjoy staying where I am at, if that turns out to be possible.

Having a car has been great and so far it has performed flawlessly. I've always enjoyed independence and freedom and finally having one of my own has enhanced that greatly.

It's certainly allowed me to do things I wouldn't have been able to in the past. If I want to go to Indianapolis and attend events or plan trips even farther out than that I can do it. In years past I would fantasize about going to see concerts or sporting events or go places in general and do things, but I didn't really understand them as possible, from big things to small things. Now if I want to do something, whatever it is, I have my own disposable money and time and resources and I can do those things.

In the past year I've seen a hell of a lot of great things, I've got a nice collection of ticket stubs on me. I saw Indiana defeat Kentucky in one of the greatest (and most meaningful) basketball games of all time. I watched the Pacers defeat the Heat in the NBA playoffs. I've watched some of the greatest athletes in the world play their sports. I've finally gotten to see my favorite team in the world play a meaningful regular season game at home. Which included witnessing one of the first games in what will hopefully be a very long and very successful career.  I saw my favorite band of all time play, and it was incredible. Watching all of them play was amazing, even on songs I hadn't heard before, it's impossible for a fan not to be impressed at their musical ability, those are some monster musicians. Even to someone who's watched videos and heard the songs before, seeing Neil Peart drum live is something else. That concert was an incredible experience.

Things at school outside of class have been going well as well. Having Mollie and Emily right down the street has been a lot of fun. It's really easy for them to come here or to go down there and just relax and chat while doing homework or just sitting around. Rahul living in the house has been great as well. We've just got to sign the paperwork at this point, so unless something goes wrong in the meantime, next year it'll be Mollie, moving in here with Rahul and I, which should be good as well.

I had a good 21st, nothing crazy, which is me. Went out to Kilroy's at midnight with Emily and Victor because we could. Then going out in the evening was good. Dinner with those two and Lauren at Yogi's, with Victor buying a shot-ski for the four of us. The Vid was next, which at this point is my favorite bar. A little grungy, some arcade games, darts and pool, laid back and decent music. I like it. Kilroy's Sports was good too, although apparently it can get a lot crazier. So just a few bars and a couple drinks at each place and that was a night. Long Islands at Kilroy's are amazing. Emily and I went out Tuesday to The Vid and Sports and had a couple drinks, played some pool and chilled, which was a lot of fun. Victor and I went to Kilroy's Indy before the Colts game. It's been cool to have a place to go to just sit around without buying a whole meal and enjoy whatever atmosphere we're in the mood for and company.

Tomorrow we head to Northwestern for this year's Hundred away trip, and a good time will be had by all.

Let's Get Down To Business!

I haven't yet felt the urge to write here, but I thought it was time for an update.

The fact that I haven't wanted/needed to write is a good thing. It is indicative of the fact that I'm in a much better mood than last year. Generally I only get the urge to do this when I'm in a negative place, bored, lonely whatever. Or in this case, when I think it's time for an update, and I have some good stuff that I want to remember too.

I've been in Bloomington and the new house for 8 days now. I LOVE having a house, and roommates that I like, and my own room. There are quite a few problems with the house now though, some of them relatively important. Got a couple emails today about those problems, and hopefully everything will be either fixed, or well on the way to being fixed very shortly. Despite the problems I still really love the house and I'm definitely glad we have it. My room is somewhat small, but not small enough to be inconvenient, and it's certainly functional. We've got everything set up, internet, tv and wifi, so we're doing pretty well. 

It's great to live with other people and live with people that I like. At least then we can sit in the living room, and chat or whatever. Even if we're not talking, a lot of times we'll sit in the living room, and having actual human contact, and just presence, is much better than last year (freak roommate from last year doesn't count as such.)

Marching Hundred has been great. I love being back with the Tenortones. These people are the ones that I actually enjoyed being with last year (COUGH CRU COUGH.) I know I talk a while to warm up to things and people, and I am so much more comfortable with them this year. I went to a party on Friday, and although parties were awkward for me at the same last year, this was awesome. I had a BLAST and laughed harder than I have in ages, till I cried. I'm okay with other people there and I'm not bothered by other people drinking. It was a great time, and I'm having fun with all of them. The rookies on the whole are pretty cool too. 

Section competition on Saturday was fun. We played a Kung-Fu/Mulan/Karate Kid show, with inCREDible music arranged by Dylan Suehiro (trombone UG who is dating my roommate Max.) Through this we found our section song for this year:

We blasted that song in Emily's car to and from practice and meals all day. It was glorious. At the end of the day we had her car waiting to put our tones away in the pod by Assembly Hall, and with all the tones and some other people around, blasted it and all sang along, freaking awesome. Driving around we cranked Veggie Tales at one point and some Disney tunes at another. Sweeeet. Although we did get some looks haha.

I'm looking forward to all of my classes, which start tomorrow. There's not one that I've singled out as hard or not-fun. 

Tuesday, for my birthday I'm having the Tenortones over, we're gonna grill and hang out, and hopefully a fair amount of them come, I think they will, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm gonna go buy myself a pair of Candy-Striped pants for my birthday, and I'm wearing them on Saturday to Lucas Oil, where Victor, Detweiler, Neufeld and I are going to watch Indiana football whoop on Ball State.

I'm really enjoying the house and home life, and I'm loving being in Hundred and being back with the Tones. I'm feeling good and I'm excited for the year. 

Selfishness Vs. Altrusim

The following is an essay I wrote in response to a discussion I was having.

Rational self-interest is the pursuit of one’s values, aligned according to one’s own judgment. To quote directly from Rand ““Value” is that which one acts to gain and keep, “virtue” is the action by which one gains and keeps it. “Value” presupposes an answer to the question: of value to whom and for what? “Value” presupposes a standard, a purpose and the necessity of action in the face of an alternative. Where there are no alternatives, no values are possible.”

You set a hierarchy of values in your life, which are arranged on the basis of some standard, which you have selected.  Rand dictated that the standard by which values should be judged is man’s life, man’s “self.” She proposed that a thing is valuable to an individual to the extent which it promotes his life. Whatever you determine is the highest value, is that which you would not, and should not, give up for any others.

Sacrifice is the trading of a higher value for a lower value or a non-value. In this context the modern usage of the word “sacrifice” is largely incorrect. That is to say a statement such as “I have kids now, so I have to sacrifice going out tonight.” is either inaccurate or greatly disturbing. The only way in which that statement is correct is if the children were of a lower value to an individual than going out. It is not sacrifice to stay home with children if they are properly aligned in your value system. In fact, staying home with the children instead of going out is, in this proper understanding, a perfectly selfish action.

Life forces us to make trades, you cannot always have everything you want. However, this forced trade off of values does NOT mean that you are sacrificing anything. You are merely exchanging a lower value for the preservation (or acquisition) of a higher one. Such choices are not ideal, and certainly are not always pleasant, but they are also NOT sacrifice.

Altruism is the placing of others above one’s self. That is to say that all others, and their values, are more important and of greater significance than one’s own life and values. In the hierarchy of values, altruism dictates that “others” and everything that entails comes before anything of value to you. Any pursuit of your values is “selfish” and therefore bad.

If you will allow me to indulge in a hypothetical situation, altruism dictates that if given the choice between saving the life of one of your loved ones and saving the LIVES of others, you should choose to save strangers to you, rather than those you hold dear. This would be especially true if there were more lives to be lost by your selfish action than if you were to act altruistically. If causing the death of your loved one would save people, altruism dictates that is what you should do.

Altruism dictates that your selfishness, your life, is only valuable insofar as it serves “others.” Be that the collective or the state. You are only allowed to have a small degree of selfishness if there is no “other” your actions could be serving. You are told that you MUST sacrifice your higher values for lower ones, otherwise you are being selfish and this is wrong.

Altruism is NOT just a sense of “general goodwill.”  There is nothing wrong with general goodwill, but it should be interpreted, and generally is, in selfish terms. I will go much farther, and give up more values to “express goodwill” to someone that I love as opposed to a stranger. I use “express goodwill” very broadly, to aid someone, to save them, to improve their lives, etc. This is a selfish action. When I buy dinner, offer rides, or generally help out people whom I care about, this is a selfish action. I get a very selfish pleasure (indeed the only form of pleasure is selfish) from helping people that I love, because they are my higher values. I would “sacrifice” to use the modern sense of the word, other things that I would normally like, my time, my money in the form of gifts, gas, food, cash etc. in order to promote their lives. In doing so I am being perfectly selfish, as I am promoting very high values to me.

I would go much farther to help these people than I would to people I know less, if at all, and certainly I would go farther to promote these people than my “enemies,” to the extent that any of us has enemies. This is contrary to altruism, because such rationale depends on pursuing one’s own values, sometimes in direct opposition to the values of others.

Now, to contextualize;

What kind of organism can live altruistically? A system of full and total altruism is not practicable on this Earth. If every individual of any species, but perhaps especially man, would behave altruistically, the species would die. Mothers, how dare you place the well-being of your children above the well-being of others? Such an action is motivated by selfishness. Zebra, who are you to deny that the lions eat? More accurately perhaps, who are you to deny the leeches a host, who are you to claim that your blood is yours, when the leeches will die without it?

It is IMPOSSIBLE for an individual to practice total altruism and live. If you claim to practice total altruism, how dare you eat? At the very least, how dare you eat more than exactly the amount of calories you need to survive to continue to serve the “others?”

And it is morally and intellectually dishonest and bankrupt to say that you do not advocate a system of total altruism, if you claim that altruism is good. You cannot say that “selfishness is evil and altruism is good” and then in turn say that it’s okay for people to be a little selfish. It makes no sense to say that something is good, but a little evil is necessary for life. Eating, drinking, breathing, all the functions of life are inherently selfish. Selfishness, the pursuit of rational self-interest, is what promotes life, altruism destroys it.

A more consistent view of Christianity would challenge altruism as well. I’ve already written quite a bit so I will attempt to shorten this. In Romans 9:3 Paul writes “For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race,” If Christianity advocates altruism, this is it’s logical conclusion. You must be willing to go to hell for the sake of others. This means no outs, no “Get Out of Jail Free” card. You must be willing to truly accept eternal damnation and separation from God so that others would be saved. There are 2 flaws I would like to take from this.

1.     

Who of us would do such a thing, or even advocate that anyone do this? Not I. What would be the purpose of existence at all, if each of us were morally mandated to give up his salvation for others? More importantly, an altruistic view demands that you do such a thing, you go to hell for others. Why would you accept a philosophy/religion that dictates that you suffer for all of eternity? If altruism is truly good, and if selflessness is what is required, this is what Christianity would demand. Who of us would willingly adopt a system of beliefs whose ultimate consummation was eternal suffering from which death would be a welcome relief? Yet such is the system of altruism that is practiced today.

2.      

Such a view is directly in contrast to Christianity if we understand the value system and apply them in a Christian context. In Christianity, God would be one’s highest value. There are important implications of this. First, this means that the renunciation of a lower value for God is not a sacrifice, but a selfish action, as you continue to pursue/maintain values according to your hierarchy, judged by the standard of your self. Additionally, a system of altruism would demand that you be willing to exchange your place with God for “others.” This by its very nature is incompatible with a Christian world view, placing God, and connection with him, above all other things. Altruism is the placing of others above self, necessitating, in Christianity, the placing of other people’s salvation and connection to God above your own. As such, you have ceased pursing your connection with God, and an open-faced altruist would demand that you suffer eternally in hell in exchange for the salvation of other.

These are the reasons I reject altruism. These are the reasons that selfishness, “the philosophy that an action is moral only insomuch as it promotes the interests of the self” is moral, and this is why, explained in brief, a more consistent view of Christianity would challenge the premise of altruism. 

Time Flies

This is me procrastinating. I could be reading or sleeping, but nope, I choose neither! Also I'm sorta bored.

Every day is a great day to be a Hoosier, today was a pretty good day to be this Hoosier.

Beautiful weather, finally, in fact it's a little bit too much without good ventilation, which is something my room lacks, and of course with beautiful weather on a college campus, the walk to class is infinitely more pleasant, for many reasons. 


This week is Little 5 week, so I'm sure it's going to be absolutely insane.

Tyler, Adam Kramp, Casey Yoder, John Brown and I went cruising the other night, which was a blast. Cruising, in this context, means Tyler drives and we get to entertain ourselves conversing with, or at, people we find, it's hilarious. Adam is always on it, and we had some pretty good ones. We're gonna do it again on Thursday, which will be an insane night to be out.

I am officially looking forward to next school year. Defer just had his signing day "press conference" today to announce that he was going to "take his talents" to Bloomington and be a Hoosier. Neufeld is gonna be here next year, and it looks like we'll be heading up to Indy to watch IU football pummel Ball State in Lucas Oil Stadium. I'll have a house with band people that I actually like, and I'll get to hang out with people from hundred a lot more often. I have high expectations for next year, so it better come through. If things are gonna be as good as I'm expecting, then August should step on the gas.

I sorta/kinda have a friend in spanish class now? Kinda, so that's cool.

I'm going to sit in at the Law school with the Chief Justice of the IU Supreme Court, which is very cool. Hopefully with a couple visits I can think more heavily about what kind of law I want to pursue. Additionally I'm possibly going to add a Psychology major to my other 2. Meaning, if I understand correctly, I would receive a B.S. in Political Science, a B.S. in Economics and a B.S. in Pyschology. I already have my masters in BS so law school should be fine. (See what I did there???)

Speaking of the Supreme Court, Tyler [a justice on the court] suggested that I should look into it. He, unsolicited out of the blue, said that he thinks I could do it. That would be a big deal. Student government here is not just some lame entity that decides homecoming and prom themes. They have real power over the school and real power to affect real events. The court is the last appeal for students in trouble petitioning for their rights. The court does have power to over rule IU in a way. If a student is in trouble and IU wants him kicked out, the court has the power to grant his appeal and affect a kids life, to what degree exactly I don't know, but this is a real governing body over (and for) the students here. I'm definitely going to pursue this. There will be 6 vacancies next year, and if Tyler thinks I can do it and would (to the degree that is fair) vouch for me, then I should at least give it a shot.

Cream and Crimson game this Saturday, that'll be a good time with the band.

Leah and I are now back to normal. So she says. We've talked a lot the last couple days, like we did before. She said yesterday we were back to normal, and we talked like we haven't in quite a while, and today she posted on Facebook saying "Just sayin, I'm lovin' this." talking about us being back to normal, which is awesome. So while I'm not going to make any big deal out of it, I am extremely glad that we're back to normal. 


Despite the trend of the majority of this year, I am very content to be in Bloomington for 4 more weeks, in fact that seems like such an extremely short time. Next year is going to be freaking awesome, so August's coming will not be met only with disappointment at the end of summer, and the leaving of Goshen. I'm looking forward to Hundred and Hoosier football, and even more so, I can't wait to be back in Assembly Hall. I love this school, and it's only gonna get better from here. HOOSIERS!


I was born in 67
The year of Sergeant Pepper and Are You Experienced?
Into a suburb of heaven
Yeah and it should have been forever
It all seemed to make so much sense

But after a while you realise time flies
And the best thing that you can do is take whatever comes to you
Cos time flies

She said luck is all you make it
You just reach out and take it
Now let's dance a while
She said nothing ever happens
If you don't make it happen
And if you can't laugh then smile

And laughing under Summer showers
Is still the way I see you now

How does time break down?
With no marker things slow down
The conference of the strange
And your family is deranged

I could tell you what I'm thinking
While we sit here drinking
But I'm not sure where to start
You see there's something wrong here
I'm sorry if I'm not clear
Can you stop smoking your cigar?

And the coat you wore to Alton Towers
Is still the way I see you now


"Time Flies" - Porcupine Tree

Stumbled-Upon This #1

Wow. . . WOW. This is EXACTLY what I've felt, exactly what I've been in, exactly what I've thought. Thank you stumbleupon. . . WOW.

‘I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f***ing treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an ***hole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ***.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve ****ed yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t ****ing want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy’

Source:

http://exposingfeminism.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/what-happened-to-all-the-nice-guys/

The World You Desire

‎"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours." Ayn Rand

Fortes fortuna adiuvat

These are the kinds of things I need to remember. Two things I struggle with are probably apathy and pessimism. I need to get a fire under me, to get a goal and a desire and something to motivate me to go and do it. I don't really feel like I'm going anywhere. Just skating through classes. That's probably just the nature of freshman year and such. You've made it to college, and now you're at the beginning of another race and you can't see the goal, and in direct comparison to where you just were, with a clear objective and drive, the difference is probably exaggerated.

In other cases I just need to sac the eff up. I need to stop being a pussy. This has become problematic. It has gotten to the point that RIGHT NOW I am putting off going to take a piss because I can hear people outside. What the hell? SERIOUSLY? I'm being that big of a wuss about wanting to avoid a potential social situation that won't be awkward at all? Stupid. Excuse me.

Whew. No one around. My secret is safe, no one will know that I use the restroom. Thank God.

Seriously. I have to stop being such a wuss. My goodness. I need to nut up right now. I have turned into such a little bitch. 

I need to stop thinking stuff like "well who am I?" and "oh it'll never happen to me." Well you know what? That's damn right. It's NOT going to happen TO me. I have to make shit happen. And even then maybe stuff doesn't happen anyway but debilitating cowardice doesn't really help. People like persons who are assertive and confident and aggressive and my goodness I am not helping myself by being none of these things. 

I avoid the simplest things for fear of what? I don't know. For crying out loud. I am a terrible egoist, and I call myself an Objectivist. HA. 

I'm just gonna have to repeatedly tell myself "nut up!" all the time to avoid pussing out. I have GOT to stop this over thinking and self-consciousness and self-esteem bullshit.

I've got to tell myself that this IS going to happen and go after it like I damn sure believe that and then deal with it if and when it doesn't. That is a much better alternative than constant cowardice. 

And if I EVER act like that whiny emotional little bitch that I was being before somebody please smack me. Dear lord that's what I needed. 

So now I'm caught in between this weird place of hoping something could happen but not allowing myself to even try to think that it will. There is a part of me that is legitimately pessimistic and that is difficult to overcome. I am WAAAY too pessimistic. I'm practically forever alone guy at times. Stupid. 


Even right now as I tell myself I need to be more positive and believe that stuff can happen I absolutely REFUSE to let myself actually believe they will. Hmm. Probably I'm just being a wuss because I'm sick of disappointment and I don't want to invest, if the market's bad, get out, and so far I've been getting slammed. 


So I have to strike some kind of balance between being realistic, not putting too much on things, not getting ahead of things and yet at the same time I need a HUGE shot of testosterone. So far when I've tried to do that, and believe and pursue it hasn't worked out. So while I read that quote at the top I get encouraged and then discouraged as I remember that this has not been the case. 


It's interesting really, that it's so difficult to overcome. Because here I am, sitting here, TELLING myself that things really can happen and that I need to be bold and positive and such, and yet I read that quote and following a very small surge, I get negative emotions and doubt. Is it mine? Can it be won? I just hear "no." and it fascinates me that I can't get passed (past? In this context I don't know which it is.) that. It's weird, it's almost an involuntary, it IS an involuntary reaction. I can't allow myself to really invest in this idea. I'm not sure why, but I do find it fascinating that it's such an involuntary thing and so difficult to overcome. 


I sort of assumed, passively, that this kind of thing is overcome BY confronting it, if you realize that you are being pessimistic or too negative, the realization and acknowledgement seemed to me to be a huge part of the cure, and yet here I am and I still get that . . . shying away feeling. I don't want to tell myself that it will happen, and a big part of me really believes that it won't. It makes some degree of sense, considering recent history. But even so, the magnitude of this and my inability to get past (there, I used both, one of them has got to be right, right?) this is perplexing. It's like a physical obstacle, I really can't just force myself through it. . . There's a big part of me that really believes the pessimism. Actually, I guess most of me really believes the pessimism. 


Only the damn romantic in me doesn't, And I know I am a romantic, at least to a degree. that is to say that I am an idealist. I pay attention to art (music is big, movies, literature) and life and I have a very clear indication of how things SHOULD happen, and how things SHOULD end. I appreciate when things work out poetically, that is, I appreciate poetic justice or irony or good, solid, RIGHT endings. 


So how do I get past the pessimism? For something I really want, and have wanted? When at the same time that I so want this, for the most part I really believe I can't have it? That's probably one of the many "cruxes" of this issue. I REALLY desperately want something that I really largely believe I cannot attain. And that's specific, but how do I get past the cowardice and pessimism in general?


And please understand, this is not whiny and I'm not looking for generic encouragement. I'm not upset or struggling, and this is coming from an intellectual place as much as if not more than an emotional one. I'm just interested. These are things that I'm thinking about not feeling about. Things I need to get passed (there it is again!) and damn, this lack of testicles is really not helping me get what I want.


How can I get that which I desire, but don't believe I can have?


It's been such a long time 
I think I should be goin', yeah 
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin' 
Sail on, on a distant highway 
I've got to keep on chasin' a dream 
I've gotta be on my way 
Wish there was something I could say. 


Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along 
You'll forget about me after I've been gone 
And I take what I find, I don't want no more 
It's just outside of your front door. 


It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time. 

Well I get so lonely when I am without you 
But in my mind, deep in my mind, 
I can't forget about you 
Good times, and faces that remind me 
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me 
You're comin' back to find me. 


Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along 
You'll forget about me after I've been gone 
And I take what I find, I don't want no more 
It's just outside of your front door. 


It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time. 

Yeah. It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah 
And time dosnt wait for me, it keeps on rollin' 
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with 
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it 
I'm always just behind it. 

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along 
Takin' my time, just movin' along 
Takin' my time, yeah I'm takin' my time...


"Foreplay (Long time)" - Boston

Stream of Consciousness

A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding. They notice a young boy bending over to tie his shoe. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, 

"Boy, I'd sure like to screw him."

The Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

I am, outrageously bored. I've been bored for literally most of the afternoon. I think I've been bored for probably 8 out of the last 10 hours, easy. I have absolutely nothing to do. Commence rambling.

I did relatively well on my math midterm I suppose, eh. This week I got to witness a (mentally disturbed??) donut shop proprietor convince a HS Valedictorian, National Merit Scholar, Wells Scholar, nearly perfect SAT scorer and triple major. . . er(?) (all the same person) that he needed twice as many pastries as he set out to buy.

"So what I'm hearing you say is that you need 2 dozen." Crescent Donut Man

"I'm not convinced of that, sir!" Tyler

We left with 2 dozen.

Have I mentioned that I love Rush? I really love Rush.

It's March. 

Looking forward to spring break. Hopefully I'll be able to chill with some people, at least go out to lunch or something the first weekend. Excuse me while I change the song. . . That's better. Still looking forward to breake much more than being in Bloomington. This is not alright, but whatever. I don't think I'm going to get to do much this break. Probably play a lot of pokemon. (5 days.) Hopefully get to spend some time at BSU. Also, of course, sex drugs and rock n' roll. . . phffffff. 

. . . I swear that line is "I can learn to persist with anything but a meat loaf." 

I got bored in E202 last week and opened a Bullet for my Valentine app to check band news. Unfortunately the home screen of the app plays music, even if the phone is on vibrate. The only flaw with the iPhone is it does not have a "holycrapturnthehelloff" button. With my old phone I could immediately jam on a button as hard as I could (to teach it a lesson) and shut it off. The iPhone is not very embarrassing-moment-reaction friendly. 

In the words of Peter Klaven from I Love You, Man: "I need to get some fuckin friends." 

^ True story, Pete. True story.  Seriously. What am I doing? This is not working out. What am I to do with this? 

Although Peter, in the movie, was in a much better situation, as he was getting freaking married (to Rashida Jones no less!) I need to get a freaking girl. This is pathetic. I have no life. Flip. What to do? I don't know. Not a clue. 

I still love Rush.

I really can't wait till summer. I've been listening to some old music, getting nostalgic. Can't wait to drive, and drive with friends, with the windows open and songs blaring. Can't wait to go to the dunes. Can't wait to go to a concert with Max, hopefully. Can't wait to hang out at Nate's. Really the image of driving at night, people in the car and the windows open, warm air blowing in, that's what is in my mind. Which reminds me, I should be listening to Red Barchetta.

Wind
In my hair
Shifting and drifting
Mechanical music
Adrenaline surge...

Well-weathered leather,
Hot metal and oil,
The scented country air.
Sunlight on chrome,
The blur of the landscape,
Every nerve aware.

I don't know what it is about driving, but I really love driving with warm air blowing in and some music playing loudly. I don't know why the image I have, driving with friends, is at night. Probably just because it's like we're heading to BW3's or something. 

NONE OF THIS IS LICENSE TO SEND ME ON ERRANDS.

Well sorta. I don't mind driving a ways. I've always liked long car rides, trips. but this does not mean I want to go to Wal-Mart.

Seriously though, this isn't working. I'm not sure what to do, but I want to do something and this isn't working. Probably it doesn't help that I have so much TIME to think about how it's not working, but that is a compounding problem. 

I can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend.

Holy crap it's almost one. . . Not that that matters I suppose. I wouldn't have gotten to sleep by now anyway. I can't wait until I have my own freaking room in a house with only 2 other people. 

Well now I'm chatting with Max so I think that ends this rambling post.

All These Things I Hate (Are Really Annoying People)

This was a post I started when I was annoyed about those people in the bathroom. I may edit it or expound upon it later, but I was in a mood to rant and I think this turned out pretty hilarious. Only now I don't really have motivation to finish so it'll just get posted as is.

Why the hell do I get the oh-so-pleasant experience of walking into the MENS bathroom on MY floor, and getting looked at like I'm in the intruder? 6 freaking people (looking like soon to be hipsters) loitering in the damn bathroom right inside the door, and their female friend is over putting on make up or some other unnecessary shit, and it's clear she's been and will continue to be using this for a while. So I get to walk in and immediately look at the ground and then wash my hands like a jackass while some idiot laughs about it, and his bitchy friend looks at me like I'm some creep invading her space. You know what chick?

This leads me to a rant of things that I hate. 

1. Hipsters

I really hate hipsters. Hipsters are probably the worst type of people imaginable. I want to punch hipsters in the face. This is what a hipster is: http://www.cracked.com/funny-4573-hipster/

I hate anyone with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and a smug attitude of superiority. Hipsters are worse than every other type of people in existence and all the reasons that make them such are why they think they're superior. Hipsters wear trashy clothes and absolutely ridiculous glasses and stocking caps, they  don't shave, they eat things which I don't think anyone can really call "food." They purposefully listen to obscure and terrible music in order to be less mainstream. Hipsters do nearly everything "ironically" which is just a word to use to justify wearing crappy clothes (sometimes really expensive clothes made to look crappy) and forgetting basic hygiene. The REAL irony is that they become a parody of themselves AND considering they all dress alike, drink the same beer, have all the same opinions and get their music by the word of pitchfork.com, they end up more conformist and less open-minded than society at large. They are the hairy un-wiped asshole of liberal subculture. 

Hipsters would be bad enough as it is, annoying, pretentious douchebags living off of their parents, but not only are their ideas annoying, they're genocidal. They want EVERYONE to eat organic, and want to ban the use of  preservatives, additives, and all forms of chemicals from food. They also want to pretty much destroy anything they can even remotely tie to global warming or industrialization. The problem is that if implemented, these ideas would literally mean the deaths of millions of people from disease and starvation. Sure, America might be able to afford cutting down on industrialization (afford, not enjoy) but how about lesser developed nations that these hipsters claim to give a rat's about? Oh yeah, they'd devolve into chaos, and no one would have enough food. I don't need to explain all the reasons why they're insane. Penn and Teller have done fantastic work on how the organic food, global warming and environmental movements are insane and murderous. I think they can be summed up in Penn's message to hipsters:

2. Mac People

I hate Mac people. Mac people have almost all the pretentious-ness of hipsters. They have something and that makes them better than you. Now, iPods and iPhones are great, but after that I think Steve Jobs is just having a laugh and giving the middle finger to society (while bathing in his piles of money of course.) The iPad? Wow. I wish my iPhone was 5x bigger and couldn't make phone calls. Could I also pay even more for this device? That's the tops! And for the rest of it? Well I think Jared summed it up well, "Apple sells yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices."  Not to mention the fact that Mac people live under the delusion that Apple factories look like the sparkling white laboratory on Kamino in The Clone Wars.

Mac people, star bucks people, liberals, hipsters, it's all part of the pretentious scene. Also, all hipsters are mac people. 

"But it's an iPhone Jen! I may be able to get an iPhone without giving any money to Apple! I'll be living the dream!" Maurice Moss

3. George Lucas

George Lucas falls into a category along with Glee and (occasionally) the Disney Channel. A category I like to call "People who crap on things I love."

George Lucas created Star Wars. The 3 Star Wars movies were some of the greatest films ever made. They were made using improvised techniques, straight up camera shots, and some damn fine acting. The constraints of making these films ended up making them great. The freedom allowed to the actors created some of the most memorable scenes. Like when Han Solo is about to be frozen and shipped off to Jabba's palace. Leia, in the climax of a great cinematic romance, shouts "I love you!" completely exposing her character. When she's at an extremely vulnerable and open position and Han is about to be taken away indefinitely, all he responds with is "I know." Because he's a bad ass. Those two lines were all Harrison Ford. 

The combat sequences were simplistic, but powerful. Each fight symbolized something greater than it was. Characters with internal conflicts, Vader and Luke feeling each other out during their first confrontation. Obi-Wan's sacrifice in the Death Star. The fights weren't as visually stunning but each was soaked in meaning.

Star Wars is on par with some great literature. The symbolism and meaning and connection to real life at every level is incredible, and darn near perfect.

Then George Lucas made the prequels. . .

Pictured Above: Star Wars Episodes 1-3

George Lucas created 3 of the most expensive turds ever produced. 

He spent millions of dollars, with much more directorial leeway, established credibility, and technology advanced light years from what he had for the first 3 movies. And they sucked. They sucked so bad that they actually affected the story lines and some of the moments in the original 3 films. That's a new level of suck. These films suck so badly they make the original 3 worse. I don't need to get into the plot holes, the questions that are raised in light of comparing the movies, the suck of the prequels is well documented. 

As if that weren't bad enough, he decided to go in and edit the original three. Using CGI, he crammed every extra alien and ship possible into the scenes and simultaneously sucked them of their value, just like he did the original 3. He made Greedo shoot first for crying out loud! Han Solo shooting Greedo in the Mos Eisely Cantina was a brilliant scene. It showed Solo as a morally ambiguous character, who clearly was not afraid to get his hands dirty and was involved in some less than reputable activities. It gave his character depth and made his conversion to a true hero more moving.

In the prequels we get 2 dimensional characters, glaring plot holes, contrived story lines and flat out moronic characters like Jar-Jar Freaking Binks.

4. Twitter. 

Twitter took the idea of Facebook Status updates, and made a whole site devoted to it. Whoopty-freaking-do. The overwhelming amount of Twitter users, or "Twats" are vain and preppy. I care for them about as much as I care what they're doing every five minutes. Twitter is the perfect website for attention whores.

5. Everyone who uses the word "Bro."

Frat guys, douchebags, guidos, all the same. Low intelligence, drunk, assholes. Pretty much imagine the stereotypical jackass from a Frat house, and you've got your man. 

6. Justin Bieber

7. Stephanie Meyer

Headin' down the Road

Well it has been quite a while.

Finals went meh. I'm not sure what I'm going to have to do about Calculus. I really don't favor the idea of retaking it, I've got the credits on my transcript so maybe I won't have to? Maybe I can do some fiddling with my degree and see what I have to take. I've been considering Psychology and Criminal Justice in addition to what I'm currently studying. Maybe I can do Poli Sci, and then explore Econ, Psych and C.Jus and see what I like, double in that and maybe pick up a minor or two. I'll have to see.

This semester is starting out alright. I possibly bombed a Finite Math exam today, we'll have to see on that. So far Econ class and weekly quizzes have been fine, but the exam was significantly harder. Death Penalty class is interesting although I already know what I believe at this point so unless we have discussions about morality or something it has the potential to get dull. Intro to Political Theory is pretty interesting and so far that prof is the best I've had. Of course basketball band is incredible. Especially with the way this team is maturing and getting significantly better, even in the face of injuries to key players.

Everything else is still just about the same. I don't think that anything has changed, at all. I'd still rather be in Goshen than Bloomington, and HARDLY because that would imply no class. I need to get to the point where I want to be in Bloomington and I look forward to being here. If that is not happening by next winter, when we have to sign the lease for my junior year, I'm going to seriously investigate transferring. 4 years of experience ranging from misery to mediocrity is not gonna fly. At this point that is the only thing that I can think to change that will fix anything. I've not heard anything that will be effective either. Certainly that presents a number of issues but if it comes to it that is what I will be looking to remedy.

I had a very good time hanging out with Neufeld when he came down to visit. Showed him around a little bit off campus, and when we went for a light lunch he selected Buffa Louie's, a wing place. This ended up being a fantastic choice as we walked in to see Derek Elston, Will Sheehey, and Verdell Jones III eating lunch there as well. I'm pretty sure Neufeld was quite pleased getting his pic taken with Jones and Elston. Later we had a very pleasant dinner at Mother Bear's with Wiebe and Suave. Went back to Suave's and hung out for a bit, played some darts and talked, which was quite enjoyable. Neufeld mentioned that he couldn't wait to be in a house like Suave's which allowed me to broach the subject that down the line he would potentially be able to join at the house that I will be living in.

Saw Blue Man Group with Tyler, Derek and Casey from study. They were fantastic, really impressive. We may go see Monty Python's Spamalot later this semester as well.

I've starting playing Black Ops with Nate, Kyle and Ian occasionally when they're online, and I'll probably play with Wes and some others that live with or around Suave and Tyler. So that's a way to keep entertained, but this weekend, like most, will probably be fairly boring, if not MISERABLY boring. I've mostly finished Assassin's Creed II, and I have the first one to play and some other games I'm interested in. Since I'm interested in the iPhone for Verizon as well it may be prudent to get a part time job, but that would be difficult without a car and they would have to be fairly flexible especially for basketball band. We'll see.

I've also been meaning to go to the Rec Center and start running. I took the first step in letting Emily know that I wanted to start going. She goes somewhat regularly I understand and I'm definitely going to need a push to actually do it. So now that I've actually brought it up hopefully I'm a little bit closer to actually doing it.

My roommate is still quite an irritation. Especially with irregular sleeping hours which keep me up for literally hours or wake me up. Like closing the door loudly this morning at some ungodly hour. This irregular sleeping pattern probably contributed to my current cold. He also shuts the freaking window and turns the heat on and turns this place into a sauna. After one particularly bad night where I laid in bed for around 4 hours with no sleep I had enough. So now when the asshole tries to sleep in the middle of the freaking day I play video games and blast the more aggressive and loud metal on my iPod. I'm tempted to start wearing a hoodie inside and opening the window more when he does that too. Also the odd behavior, especially not wearing pants even when I have a guest, Neufeld in the room, is just generally irksome. He also has this god-awful smelling lotion that makes me cough smelling that crap. But I have no problem being a jackass right back, opening the window or spraying stuff to cover that smell.

I'll probably go up and spend a weekend at BSU some point this semester, just hang out. We'll see. Jacque has wanted me to come up for a while, Max brought it up, said it'd be a good time. So some time I have a free weekend I'll probably head up on Friday and hang out. Last I heard Kasey is still planning on coming down for Little 5 so that should be a fun time too. Neufeld may come back once or more as well, who knows?

Also, I went to a rock concert last Sunday. A girl on Facebook asked if anyone likes Stone Sour, Hollywood Undead or Avenged Sevenfold, who are quite good. I was offered a free ticket when I said I liked A7X. So I skipped Big Red Basketball Band (hereafter: BRBB) to go to this concert in Evansville. Oh was I mistaken. I was under the impression there would be a group. < False story. This guy who is from Evansville drove down there, picked up his (HS Senior) Girlfriend and hung out with her after dropping us off. So let the awkward commence. So the bands ended up only playing 3 songs that I knew, they played more over the speakers during breaks that I recognized than they did during the actual performances. That being said Avenged Sevenfold is quite good, I just wish I'd have known more going in and that they would've played more of their good stuff. Stone Sour also played solidly, but I only know 1 song of theirs. There was over an hour delay between Stone Sour and A7X because some idiot got his ass kicked and had to be taken out on a stretcher.

So the concert was awkward enough being just the 2 of us (I'm not interested. at all) but oh was it going to get worse. So leaving the concert, and this is true of ANY rock concert, I had to smell like marijuana, booze and cigarettes, because hey, who wants to pay $40 or more for a ticket and remember the show? Stupid rednecks. Waited in the cold for the ride, left a Denny's in Evansville at nearly 2:30 am Bloomington time, with about 2.5 hours left to go. So the sleep situation was not gonna be good for a day.


It is important to note, before I cut to the chase, that already well before the Denny's I just wanted to be home and done with this.

Now, this guy driving us seemed to be respectable. He was very polite and seemingly soft spoken, he was wearing a freaking sweater vest for crying out loud. I was in the back seat alone since his girlfriend had been left at her house as we headed back to school. I tried to doze and sleep, but (importantly) I did not. I wish I had. OH I wish I had.

I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. I told myself I was just playing it up in my head. You know how you can do that? You expect something or other and your mind construes any potential evidence that at all could maybe-sorta-kind indicate this and interprets it in such a way. I told myself, well that's a weird smell but hey, that could be anything. Oh well you know she's probably just tired, and he, being the respectable sweater-vest clad student he is, is allowing her to rest her head on his lap. Oh, well, that jingling which sounds exactly like a belt being opened is probably just change, or a random crap rustling in the car. I mean, he has a girlfriend that he JUST SAW. I mean, yeah he just spent a half hour explaining how he left sexually frustrated because literally everything that would've gone wrong in a freaking sitcom went wrong.

(On a side note, this was hilarious. Family wants to watch Tv, so the couple goes to the basement, until the family comes down to discuss the edition that was being put on. They leave, couple stays in the basement, dad comes home, this that and the other happens until even her youth pastor shows up. I swear I've seen something just like this on a sitcom.)

Anyway, I was finally convinced when, as we stopped at a gas station just inside Bloomington, they realized I did not need to be woken up, acted slightly awkward, and as he got out of the car he kept his back to the windows, which is not natural, and then I saw him do his belt in the mirror. Which means I was correct. Oh, I have never been so disturbed by being right.

This, er, situation, meant I spent much of the drive having to pretend to be asleep because the alternative would've been an explosion of awkward. In my head going alternatively "wtf? wtf!! WTF?!" and "Holyshitholyshitholyshit we're gonna die" Because I'm pretty sure that if anything qualifies as impaired driving it's that. This is a mistake I shall avoid.

So other than that episode nothing has really changed. I am now writing Jacque and Leah back and forth. Leah is really slow about it, and I haven't talked to her in a while so I'll probably text her this weekend. Jacque writes back quickly, not generally as fast as I do though, and I talk to her somewhat regularly. I'll keep going with the goal in mind this semester to get the ball rolling on pre-law stuff, being more outgoing, and going to the SRSC more often (read:at all)

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee 

Through Glass - Stone Sour

Frustration

Well it has been a long time since I've posted anything, and longer since I posted anything with real content.

Marching Hundred trip went very well. It was quite a good time. Picking the bus with Aaron Burkhart as the leader was definitely the right decision, as he is as good a source of entertainment as the dvd's we had, if not a better one. We stayed in a very nice part of DC, in a great hotel, with plenty of restaurants nearby. Including the family style Chinese place we ate at, New Big Wong. No joke. Had a good time with Victor, Emily, Rahul and the rest of the tones.

That lead quickly into Thanksgiving break. Which was pretty good, and the break certainly needed. Time at home was good, I do more talking in a day or two at home than I do in 2 weeks here. It was good to see IU take back the Bucket, and especially sweet to be flying Cream and Crimson in a boiler house. Although the spectacular game made me almost instantly regret not going. I did get to see everyone I wanted to, except for Kasey, which was extremely disappointing. She has plans to come down here for Little 5 though, which sounds like a freaking awesome weekend, if she can make it.

School since then has been eh. I've not really hung out with people much. I like the Cru people, Suave's friends, they're good people, but for the most part I really don't connect with them. I can't really relax and hang out largely, in a way they're just not my people. I can't be comfortable because they're . . . different. I don't want to say uptight, that's not quite the right word, but it's probably close. Also they're just super into Cru and campus ministry, and that pretty much defines their existence in what I see. I don't know how to explain the difference in lifestyles that accounts for my lack of comfort in hanging out with them. I just get that they wouldn't appreciate a lot of the humor that gets shared around my group, there's no teasing or making fun of each other. I get the impression that if I flipped one of them off, in jest, that would be a big deal. Whereas I can flip off Max (or anyone else in that group) and insult him and it's just us giving each other crap. It's fine.

I can joke and talk about anything with my friends and these people are just too high strung, I think. In the grand scheme of things, compared to other people, I'm sure it's nothing, but compared to what I'm used to and comfortable in, it's a lot. I have to act fake around them, and a lot of times they feel fake to me. It's all very. .  .polite, and feels like small talk and disingenuous gratuities. (By the way Disingenuous Gratuities would be a GREAT name for a band or album. . .)  I don't have fun. It just feels like a lot of bullshit the entire time. That's another thing, I think it would be a big deal if somebody swore. Big frickin deal. We give each other crap at home, and it's basically a term of endearment. Ugh. I like some of them, and they really are good people but I'm tired of the pretense and I'm tired of not saying the things I think and making the jokes and feeling like I have to guard my speech.

We just don't click. I mean, they also probably wouldn't look to kindly on the whole Objectivist thing. . . or Metal. They're not rock people. I think it's entirely possible that I could offend some of them with just my iPod. I'm just not feeling it. It all feels fake and I'd rather shoot people in the face online in Halo then sit around an apartment or house and just not say anything the entire time. Screw that.

I did hang out with Emily, that went really really well and was a TON of fun. We went to get foreign food from a free thing at Foster, and ended up sitting through literally the dumbest discussion I think I've ever heard. I mean, I heard things that literally made me suspect mental illness like this gem; "Houston is the capitol of the Universe. I mean think about it, when they're in space, it's always 'Houston, we have a problem.' Case and point."

But that was actually good, we sat through it and I tried desperately not to laugh and be too sarcastic, considering we were sitting in the front facing the majority of the crowd, I failed. We got milkshakes from Hoosier Underground and played Mega Bomberman and Streets of Rage on her old Sega. That was a really really great evening and possibly the most fun I've had since I got here.

Had an awesome snowball fight with Emily, Nich and Rahul the other day too. The snow was really coming down, and there were already a few inches from overnight. It was really picturesque, and a complete blast.

Hundred banquet was good, the food was fantastic, especially the prime rib, and of course getting to hang out around the band people pretty much always turns out well.

Victor, Max Rogers and I put in a rental app for a very nice house this week, so that is currently the most likely scenario for my living arrangement next year.

I'm ready for break, as these 3 weeks contain almost no motivation for anyone. Just a few more days and I'll be done with my first semester of college, in more or less one piece. All things considered, I think getting through it at this state is probably gonna go down as a W.

Saturday the Goshen Jazz Bands come down here for the Bloomington Jazz Fest. Looking forward to seeing people then, Neufeld is gonna stay down here, since right now IU is his top choice for college. Hopefully Saturday goes well, I don't think it can go particularly bad. I don't have a whole lot invested in it, learned THAT lesson already. Ha. Looking back I was just being a huge, erhm, wuss. It was a lot of things, big things, and certainly all of them worth being upset about, but looking back I wish I'd've just manned up and not been such a douche. Of course we'll see if I'm saying that if I end up back there.

So just a little bit more to get through. Feels like I'm just skating through right now, not doing a whole lot. Hopefully in time I find people that don't feel fake, but for now I'm doing alright.

 Well the Jazz fest was largely mediocre. The jazz was not great, the professional artist was not impressive at all. Upper band did well, lower band, ehhhh. I experienced significant anticipointment. I was looking forward quite a bit to the jazz fest and then it was really not worth going to, plus the music was bad.

I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with stupid drama, and friends of mine being stupid or dealing with stupid crap. I'm sick of the bullshit and I'm sick of bad friends around the people I care about and bad friends around me. And I am pretty well sick of awkwardness. I'm sick of being in the same place, for a matter of hours, and not saying a damn word to each other, or even making eye contact. I'm sick and tired of dealing with this crap, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Come on people, grow the hell up. Now I understand why people say they wouldn't want to go back to high school. I don't like wading through six inches of crap everyday either. Maybe we just need to go back and start crackin skulls and pulling heads out of asses.

No more I'm taking this hatred from you
You make me feel dead when I'm talking to you
You'll take me for granted when I'm not around
So burn all your bridges 'cause I'm not going down

This time I will be heard
I'm not gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

I hope you're unhappy and hurting inside
I want you to choke when you swallow your pride
Lay in your coffin and sleep with your sins
Give me the nails and I'll hammer them in right now

This time you won't be heard
You are gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

This time you won't be heard
You are gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone (x3)

You can die and rot alone
Just die and rot alone!!

This time you won't be heard (x3)
"Alone" - Bullet for my Valentine