Frustration

Well it has been a long time since I've posted anything, and longer since I posted anything with real content.

Marching Hundred trip went very well. It was quite a good time. Picking the bus with Aaron Burkhart as the leader was definitely the right decision, as he is as good a source of entertainment as the dvd's we had, if not a better one. We stayed in a very nice part of DC, in a great hotel, with plenty of restaurants nearby. Including the family style Chinese place we ate at, New Big Wong. No joke. Had a good time with Victor, Emily, Rahul and the rest of the tones.

That lead quickly into Thanksgiving break. Which was pretty good, and the break certainly needed. Time at home was good, I do more talking in a day or two at home than I do in 2 weeks here. It was good to see IU take back the Bucket, and especially sweet to be flying Cream and Crimson in a boiler house. Although the spectacular game made me almost instantly regret not going. I did get to see everyone I wanted to, except for Kasey, which was extremely disappointing. She has plans to come down here for Little 5 though, which sounds like a freaking awesome weekend, if she can make it.

School since then has been eh. I've not really hung out with people much. I like the Cru people, Suave's friends, they're good people, but for the most part I really don't connect with them. I can't really relax and hang out largely, in a way they're just not my people. I can't be comfortable because they're . . . different. I don't want to say uptight, that's not quite the right word, but it's probably close. Also they're just super into Cru and campus ministry, and that pretty much defines their existence in what I see. I don't know how to explain the difference in lifestyles that accounts for my lack of comfort in hanging out with them. I just get that they wouldn't appreciate a lot of the humor that gets shared around my group, there's no teasing or making fun of each other. I get the impression that if I flipped one of them off, in jest, that would be a big deal. Whereas I can flip off Max (or anyone else in that group) and insult him and it's just us giving each other crap. It's fine.

I can joke and talk about anything with my friends and these people are just too high strung, I think. In the grand scheme of things, compared to other people, I'm sure it's nothing, but compared to what I'm used to and comfortable in, it's a lot. I have to act fake around them, and a lot of times they feel fake to me. It's all very. .  .polite, and feels like small talk and disingenuous gratuities. (By the way Disingenuous Gratuities would be a GREAT name for a band or album. . .)  I don't have fun. It just feels like a lot of bullshit the entire time. That's another thing, I think it would be a big deal if somebody swore. Big frickin deal. We give each other crap at home, and it's basically a term of endearment. Ugh. I like some of them, and they really are good people but I'm tired of the pretense and I'm tired of not saying the things I think and making the jokes and feeling like I have to guard my speech.

We just don't click. I mean, they also probably wouldn't look to kindly on the whole Objectivist thing. . . or Metal. They're not rock people. I think it's entirely possible that I could offend some of them with just my iPod. I'm just not feeling it. It all feels fake and I'd rather shoot people in the face online in Halo then sit around an apartment or house and just not say anything the entire time. Screw that.

I did hang out with Emily, that went really really well and was a TON of fun. We went to get foreign food from a free thing at Foster, and ended up sitting through literally the dumbest discussion I think I've ever heard. I mean, I heard things that literally made me suspect mental illness like this gem; "Houston is the capitol of the Universe. I mean think about it, when they're in space, it's always 'Houston, we have a problem.' Case and point."

But that was actually good, we sat through it and I tried desperately not to laugh and be too sarcastic, considering we were sitting in the front facing the majority of the crowd, I failed. We got milkshakes from Hoosier Underground and played Mega Bomberman and Streets of Rage on her old Sega. That was a really really great evening and possibly the most fun I've had since I got here.

Had an awesome snowball fight with Emily, Nich and Rahul the other day too. The snow was really coming down, and there were already a few inches from overnight. It was really picturesque, and a complete blast.

Hundred banquet was good, the food was fantastic, especially the prime rib, and of course getting to hang out around the band people pretty much always turns out well.

Victor, Max Rogers and I put in a rental app for a very nice house this week, so that is currently the most likely scenario for my living arrangement next year.

I'm ready for break, as these 3 weeks contain almost no motivation for anyone. Just a few more days and I'll be done with my first semester of college, in more or less one piece. All things considered, I think getting through it at this state is probably gonna go down as a W.

Saturday the Goshen Jazz Bands come down here for the Bloomington Jazz Fest. Looking forward to seeing people then, Neufeld is gonna stay down here, since right now IU is his top choice for college. Hopefully Saturday goes well, I don't think it can go particularly bad. I don't have a whole lot invested in it, learned THAT lesson already. Ha. Looking back I was just being a huge, erhm, wuss. It was a lot of things, big things, and certainly all of them worth being upset about, but looking back I wish I'd've just manned up and not been such a douche. Of course we'll see if I'm saying that if I end up back there.

So just a little bit more to get through. Feels like I'm just skating through right now, not doing a whole lot. Hopefully in time I find people that don't feel fake, but for now I'm doing alright.

 Well the Jazz fest was largely mediocre. The jazz was not great, the professional artist was not impressive at all. Upper band did well, lower band, ehhhh. I experienced significant anticipointment. I was looking forward quite a bit to the jazz fest and then it was really not worth going to, plus the music was bad.

I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with stupid drama, and friends of mine being stupid or dealing with stupid crap. I'm sick of the bullshit and I'm sick of bad friends around the people I care about and bad friends around me. And I am pretty well sick of awkwardness. I'm sick of being in the same place, for a matter of hours, and not saying a damn word to each other, or even making eye contact. I'm sick and tired of dealing with this crap, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Come on people, grow the hell up. Now I understand why people say they wouldn't want to go back to high school. I don't like wading through six inches of crap everyday either. Maybe we just need to go back and start crackin skulls and pulling heads out of asses.

No more I'm taking this hatred from you
You make me feel dead when I'm talking to you
You'll take me for granted when I'm not around
So burn all your bridges 'cause I'm not going down

This time I will be heard
I'm not gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

I hope you're unhappy and hurting inside
I want you to choke when you swallow your pride
Lay in your coffin and sleep with your sins
Give me the nails and I'll hammer them in right now

This time you won't be heard
You are gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

This time you won't be heard
You are gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
How the table turns

You fake (fake) your damnation
You pray (pray) for salvation
'Cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone (x3)

You can die and rot alone
Just die and rot alone!!

This time you won't be heard (x3)
"Alone" - Bullet for my Valentine