Fortes fortuna adiuvat
These are the kinds of things I need to remember. Two things I struggle with are probably apathy and pessimism. I need to get a fire under me, to get a goal and a desire and something to motivate me to go and do it. I don't really feel like I'm going anywhere. Just skating through classes. That's probably just the nature of freshman year and such. You've made it to college, and now you're at the beginning of another race and you can't see the goal, and in direct comparison to where you just were, with a clear objective and drive, the difference is probably exaggerated.
In other cases I just need to sac the eff up. I need to stop being a pussy. This has become problematic. It has gotten to the point that RIGHT NOW I am putting off going to take a piss because I can hear people outside. What the hell? SERIOUSLY? I'm being that big of a wuss about wanting to avoid a potential social situation that won't be awkward at all? Stupid. Excuse me.
Whew. No one around. My secret is safe, no one will know that I use the restroom. Thank God.
Seriously. I have to stop being such a wuss. My goodness. I need to nut up right now. I have turned into such a little bitch.
I need to stop thinking stuff like "well who am I?" and "oh it'll never happen to me." Well you know what? That's damn right. It's NOT going to happen TO me. I have to make shit happen. And even then maybe stuff doesn't happen anyway but debilitating cowardice doesn't really help. People like persons who are assertive and confident and aggressive and my goodness I am not helping myself by being none of these things.
I avoid the simplest things for fear of what? I don't know. For crying out loud. I am a terrible egoist, and I call myself an Objectivist. HA.
I'm just gonna have to repeatedly tell myself "nut up!" all the time to avoid pussing out. I have GOT to stop this over thinking and self-consciousness and self-esteem bullshit.
I've got to tell myself that this IS going to happen and go after it like I damn sure believe that and then deal with it if and when it doesn't. That is a much better alternative than constant cowardice.
And if I EVER act like that whiny emotional little bitch that I was being before somebody please smack me. Dear lord that's what I needed.
So now I'm caught in between this weird place of hoping something could happen but not allowing myself to even try to think that it will. There is a part of me that is legitimately pessimistic and that is difficult to overcome. I am WAAAY too pessimistic. I'm practically forever alone guy at times. Stupid.
Even right now as I tell myself I need to be more positive and believe that stuff can happen I absolutely REFUSE to let myself actually believe they will. Hmm. Probably I'm just being a wuss because I'm sick of disappointment and I don't want to invest, if the market's bad, get out, and so far I've been getting slammed.
So I have to strike some kind of balance between being realistic, not putting too much on things, not getting ahead of things and yet at the same time I need a HUGE shot of testosterone. So far when I've tried to do that, and believe and pursue it hasn't worked out. So while I read that quote at the top I get encouraged and then discouraged as I remember that this has not been the case.
It's interesting really, that it's so difficult to overcome. Because here I am, sitting here, TELLING myself that things really can happen and that I need to be bold and positive and such, and yet I read that quote and following a very small surge, I get negative emotions and doubt. Is it mine? Can it be won? I just hear "no." and it fascinates me that I can't get passed (past? In this context I don't know which it is.) that. It's weird, it's almost an involuntary, it IS an involuntary reaction. I can't allow myself to really invest in this idea. I'm not sure why, but I do find it fascinating that it's such an involuntary thing and so difficult to overcome.
I sort of assumed, passively, that this kind of thing is overcome BY confronting it, if you realize that you are being pessimistic or too negative, the realization and acknowledgement seemed to me to be a huge part of the cure, and yet here I am and I still get that . . . shying away feeling. I don't want to tell myself that it will happen, and a big part of me really believes that it won't. It makes some degree of sense, considering recent history. But even so, the magnitude of this and my inability to get past (there, I used both, one of them has got to be right, right?) this is perplexing. It's like a physical obstacle, I really can't just force myself through it. . . There's a big part of me that really believes the pessimism. Actually, I guess most of me really believes the pessimism.
Only the damn romantic in me doesn't, And I know I am a romantic, at least to a degree. that is to say that I am an idealist. I pay attention to art (music is big, movies, literature) and life and I have a very clear indication of how things SHOULD happen, and how things SHOULD end. I appreciate when things work out poetically, that is, I appreciate poetic justice or irony or good, solid, RIGHT endings.
So how do I get past the pessimism? For something I really want, and have wanted? When at the same time that I so want this, for the most part I really believe I can't have it? That's probably one of the many "cruxes" of this issue. I REALLY desperately want something that I really largely believe I cannot attain. And that's specific, but how do I get past the cowardice and pessimism in general?
And please understand, this is not whiny and I'm not looking for generic encouragement. I'm not upset or struggling, and this is coming from an intellectual place as much as if not more than an emotional one. I'm just interested. These are things that I'm thinking about not feeling about. Things I need to get passed (there it is again!) and damn, this lack of testicles is really not helping me get what I want.
How can I get that which I desire, but don't believe I can have?
It's been such a long time
I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
Sail on, on a distant highway
I've got to keep on chasin' a dream
I've gotta be on my way
Wish there was something I could say.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.
It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.
Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can't forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me
You're comin' back to find me.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.
It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.
Yeah. It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah
And time dosnt wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it
I'm always just behind it.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
Takin' my time, just movin' along
Takin' my time, yeah I'm takin' my time...
"Foreplay (Long time)" - Boston
Even right now as I tell myself I need to be more positive and believe that stuff can happen I absolutely REFUSE to let myself actually believe they will. Hmm. Probably I'm just being a wuss because I'm sick of disappointment and I don't want to invest, if the market's bad, get out, and so far I've been getting slammed.
So I have to strike some kind of balance between being realistic, not putting too much on things, not getting ahead of things and yet at the same time I need a HUGE shot of testosterone. So far when I've tried to do that, and believe and pursue it hasn't worked out. So while I read that quote at the top I get encouraged and then discouraged as I remember that this has not been the case.
It's interesting really, that it's so difficult to overcome. Because here I am, sitting here, TELLING myself that things really can happen and that I need to be bold and positive and such, and yet I read that quote and following a very small surge, I get negative emotions and doubt. Is it mine? Can it be won? I just hear "no." and it fascinates me that I can't get passed (past? In this context I don't know which it is.) that. It's weird, it's almost an involuntary, it IS an involuntary reaction. I can't allow myself to really invest in this idea. I'm not sure why, but I do find it fascinating that it's such an involuntary thing and so difficult to overcome.
I sort of assumed, passively, that this kind of thing is overcome BY confronting it, if you realize that you are being pessimistic or too negative, the realization and acknowledgement seemed to me to be a huge part of the cure, and yet here I am and I still get that . . . shying away feeling. I don't want to tell myself that it will happen, and a big part of me really believes that it won't. It makes some degree of sense, considering recent history. But even so, the magnitude of this and my inability to get past (there, I used both, one of them has got to be right, right?) this is perplexing. It's like a physical obstacle, I really can't just force myself through it. . . There's a big part of me that really believes the pessimism. Actually, I guess most of me really believes the pessimism.
Only the damn romantic in me doesn't, And I know I am a romantic, at least to a degree. that is to say that I am an idealist. I pay attention to art (music is big, movies, literature) and life and I have a very clear indication of how things SHOULD happen, and how things SHOULD end. I appreciate when things work out poetically, that is, I appreciate poetic justice or irony or good, solid, RIGHT endings.
So how do I get past the pessimism? For something I really want, and have wanted? When at the same time that I so want this, for the most part I really believe I can't have it? That's probably one of the many "cruxes" of this issue. I REALLY desperately want something that I really largely believe I cannot attain. And that's specific, but how do I get past the cowardice and pessimism in general?
And please understand, this is not whiny and I'm not looking for generic encouragement. I'm not upset or struggling, and this is coming from an intellectual place as much as if not more than an emotional one. I'm just interested. These are things that I'm thinking about not feeling about. Things I need to get passed (there it is again!) and damn, this lack of testicles is really not helping me get what I want.
How can I get that which I desire, but don't believe I can have?
It's been such a long time
I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
Sail on, on a distant highway
I've got to keep on chasin' a dream
I've gotta be on my way
Wish there was something I could say.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.
It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.
Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can't forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me
You're comin' back to find me.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.
It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.
Yeah. It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah
And time dosnt wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it
I'm always just behind it.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
Takin' my time, just movin' along
Takin' my time, yeah I'm takin' my time...
"Foreplay (Long time)" - Boston
I get it. There are some things we struggle with that we can look at intellectively and yet emotionaly or physically still can not overcome. Depression is one example, you can think and resolve "I will not be depressed" but you still are. You can say "I will talk to people I don't know" but when you get into a real situation you don't. Some people think I am an extrovert, but I am not. Sometimes I can force myself to do what I need to do, most times I don't. I can tell you are not in the same frame of mind you were earlier. You are begining to look at what you maybe can and should do. Before I got the feeling you were overcome and concentrating on what was happening now I see more "light at the end of the tunnel" (adjusting to college away from home) for you and you are looking at it with the idea of what YOU can do not what you can't. I believe YOU CAN DO ANYTHING but then I know the real Michael:) Love you kid!
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