Right Here, Waiting

Hmm, what to talk about without being repetitive . . .  I've been a one-track record for long enough I'm even starting to annoy myself.

Indiana's football season is all but over, with a pathetic skin of our teeth victory over Arkansas State, followed by a beat down courtesy of Illinois, we're best case scenario going 2-3 the rest of the season. The only teams we have a shot at beating are Northwestern and Purdue, and those aren't certain at all. So best case scenario we end the season 6-6. Hopefully basketball goes a little bit better than that.

This weekend is going to be busy. Exam today, not sure how I did. Exam tomorrow at 8am, class till 12, Hundred at 4, then "Night of the Living Red" basketball scrimmage at 7:30 that band has to play at. Which means that it will likely be a late night, followed by an early morning for the Northwestern game.

Election Tuesday, and I'm not even sold on voting. Any election I'm registered to vote in isn't even going to be close anyway, none of the important ones. I wouldn't vote for anyone who has a shot anyway. I would vote straight Libertarian except for the lack of qualified candidates. I suppose, to be fair, it's not as though they really have opportunity to become qualified through experience since they can't win. I'm not going to vote for someone just because they're the lesser of a slew of evils and I'm not going to endorse someone with my vote unless I actually think they'd do well.

Ron Paul was great. He's the real deal. He actually believes in liberty, in smaller government, he is not a typical Republican. He is definitely a libertarian. I probably go even farther than he does. I was very encouraged by the response he received in the auditorium. Maybe there is hope, but one thing is certain, this election is not going to change anything. The Republicans don't believe in liberty, generally, much more than the Democrats. They just want to control different things. At first anyway because eventually they'll want to control everything regardless of where they start.

Let's see, I tried another chinese place, Fortune Cookie, which was quite good, maybe a little expensive, but take out orders are always more expensive than a buffet. I'm very proud of Goshen Marching Band, I really wish I could be there Saturday. They better do well because I've put up with some trash talk and I've got a 'friendly' wager on them to beat Jasper. They'd better pull it off.

This week has been a little stressful, 2 papers due, 2 exams and another on Monday, basketball gig and football game for band, in addition to general homework for classes daily. Plus still trying to connect with people.

With regards to that I just feel like I'm treading water. Which becomes exhausting and unsatisfying. I've found people that I like, yes, but not even in the same building to the people I had before. I've found people that I like but not people that I connect with. I'm finding people who are largely defined by X or Y and I know them or connect with them on just that one level, but not beyond it. Certainly people have been extremely supportive and I've met a lot of really great people, but that doesn't mean I'm going to connect with any of them.

It is going to be difficult to find any kind of group like I had before, because we were all different in many ways and yet the same. I didn't find that group by joining this or that and knowing them through that. The people I've met are defined by things that I don't define myself by. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to change myself and I'm not going to be satisfied with pseudo and half-way friendships. I'm not going to really be satisfied until I find something like what I had before. The only problem is that there's no where to look for that. The closest place I could go to specifically look for that is over 100 miles to the Northeast.


So I guess for now all I can really do is keep treading water. There's not really anything else to do. It's not been bad I guess, just a level of indifference. Bland is probably a pretty close word. Bland. Just, whatever, bored.

This week has been busy so I guess it's been moving at a decent speed. I'm still just looking forward without excitement. I think breaks are going to be difficult too, or at best just extremely rapid breaths of air. I'm sure it will be fulfilling eventually but right now I'm still just waiting. Waiting for breaks, waiting for answers, waiting for results. But I'm also aware that that is all I can do. I can't change where I'm at, where I'm going, or most importantly, what I want. So I just have to wait and eventually those things will either be fulfilled or will change.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go buy a couple Bullet for My Valentine CD's or something. Maybe I'll get a 360. I don't know. Nothing seems particularly exciting.

The hardest part this troubled heart
Has ever yet been through now
Was heal the scars that got their start
Inside someone like you now

For had I known or I been shown
Back when, how long it'd take me
To break the charms that brought me harm
And all but would erase me

I never won or thought I could
No matter what you'd pay me
Replay the part, you stole my heart
I should have known you're crazy

If all I knew was that with you
I'd want someone to save me
It'd be enough, but just my luck
I fell in love and maybe

All that I wanted was

Now I know you better
You know, I know better
Now I know you better

So bittersweet, this tragedy
Won't ask for absolution
This melody inside of me
Still searches for solution

A twist of faith a change of heart
Cures my infatuation
A broken heart provides the spark
For my determination
"Better" - Guns N' Roses