Hearts Burst Into Fire

Waiting sucks. Waiting Sucks Waiting SUCKS.

Waiting for things to get better is particularly hard. And the longer the waiting goes the harder it gets. The rate at which it gets harder increases too. It's one thing to have a problem you can tackle, something to face, rather than something to sit and take. Something to be endured, not beaten.

The last 2 weeks have been tough. I've talked to so many people, and I think Joel put it well, in that I don't have stability with anything. I don't have stability with faith, I don't have stability in relationships, I don't have stability in school and I'm disconnected from the things that I do have stability with, just by space.

The fact that I've been having problems has lead to some solutions, however.

For one thing, with certain things there needs to be a concrete end with the old before a different beginning. Being on the edge of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion finally pushed me enough to make that happen.

Having problems made me seek help from people here, which made connections. In the absolute worst part of it, being at the lowest point emotionally while on a public bus, I eventually was lead to meet people. In asking for support from literally everyone I could, in a way I never ever saw myself doing, I was lead to meet with Nancy and Joel for lunch. And Joel seemed to be able to connect to what I was going through. It also lead to meeting more people, from getting together to watch House, to a poker night, to Bible Study and then hanging out at an apartment. I just now realized I've been out every night this week. So I met a few guys who do that who I like, and we'll see how that goes. And that in one way or another is going to help explore the stability with faith.

School, I still don't enjoy my classes enough to encourage me that I've picked the right things. But I do still have the skill set to be a lawyer. And I have the intelligence and the capacity for discussion that there is something that I want to do, I just have to find out exactly how to shape my courses around that. Maybe just be more aggressive and have more fun with my classes.

Of course they're little things that just add to it, but eventually they don't add up to much and they go away.

Then there's the big issue. Ugh. That's the part where waiting is hard. Because I can put too much into it, I can put to much stress on it and make it worse. It's hard to hear about, and it's insanely hard to have to watch. But I REALLY have to be patient or I make things worse. I have to back off a little, which is freakin hard  but in the long run does more good. I also can't demand too much, or get over bearing. And for my own sake I have to calm down or I'll just drag myself down and never be satisfied. I still don't know if the weekend was good for it. I found out that I can put too much pressure. But at least we're back to what we were before, really close and happy with each other. Because it is definitely better to be that than to be awkward, upset and distant.

Joel put things well about this too. And I don't remember exactly what he said, other than generally speaking. That that issue is the one I'm focusing all my attention on and seems more important than anything else and has the most bearing on everything else too. But Nick (new Nick, just met him today, I mean yesterday, ugh it's almost 1) said something at the study that I  really really really need to remember and definitely be reminded of when I forget. He said it stream of consciousness, so I had to think of a succinct way to put it, he basically said:

 "Without the struggle and the trials, the reward wouldn't mean as much. The goal at the end is made more valuable for the chase."

I just have to focus on that when I think about the big one. That if/when the struggle is finally over it'll be all the more valuable for it. And I suppose if it doesn't then it'll be because something else took over.

Things have been looking up the last 3 days, (after the pit that was Sunday night that's really not saying much, however.) But history has shown me that does not mean it's over, or close to over. And I'm certain that I'm still going to be down some days, maybe go lower, I can't say that it's over because I thought things were getting better a while ago and then it got even harder.

And it's still not like I'm happy about the issue. I mean, how could I be? And I'm pretty sure that's still gonna be a tough pill to swallow daily, and I'm still gonna be really melancholy about it. Music helps, and hurts. Because I can relate to it and it connects on an emotional level, but on the other hand it's not a great emotional level so I'm connecting with something that makes me conscious of the pain. But sometimes I hear a song and go "Damn! This is exactly, to a T, 100% where I'm at. Every. Single. Lyric."

I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Have I fucked things up again?
I'm dreaming
Too much time without you spent,

It hurts
Wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see your face my
Heart's burst into fire
Heart's burst into fire

You're not alone
I know I'm far from home
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Do you wait for me again?
I'm screaming
No more days without you spent

It hurts
Wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see your face my
Heart's burst into fire
Heart's burst into fire

My beds so cold, so lonely
No arms, just sheets to hold me
Has this world stopped turning?
Are we forever to be apart?
Forever to be apart,

It hurts
Wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm sore
I've been far away
When I see your face my
Heart's burst into fire
Heart's burst into fire

(I'm coming home)
I've been gone for far too long
(I'm coming home)
Do you remember me at all?

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving
I'm screaming
I'm dreaming
When hearts burst into fire

"Hearts Burst Into Fire" - Bullet for My Valentine.